My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
