Pants 0. Shit 1.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He shit in the fireplace
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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