She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
