we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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