you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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