I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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