I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
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