In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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