so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
