I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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