fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
