her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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