I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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