Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
