Got a toothbrush?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Terrible idea I love it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
