Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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