I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
