It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
