who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
