Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm at about main and main street
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
