I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
