so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
