He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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