Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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