I accidentally had phone sex last night
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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