My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
