omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
