Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
