i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
