Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
