wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
