Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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