Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
