I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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