I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
