I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
