Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
