I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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