i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Couch. On fire.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
