Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
