i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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