He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
is that a dick in a sweater?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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