you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
