I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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