shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We need a shit load of segways right now
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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