there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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