my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
