Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
