and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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