i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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