you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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