my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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