I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
